I changed my background quite a bit because the black was starting to annoy me. Maybe this change symbolizes the change from depressed/gloomy me to a lot happier me compared to high school, so it would be a change for the better, I guess [Yes, I disagree with Chinua Achebe's book Things Fall Apart. Change is for the better!].
People change a lot in college and I guess I've changed a bit, hopefully matured a bit compared to before. Of course I'm hoping to change myself even more because even though I've gotten more open with people and I've attained the ability to talk to someone seriously without sarcasm or attempting to crack a joke every few seconds, I'm still my awkward self.
That's the part, I think, that needs to change the most... I need to learn how to communicate with people without being too "shy". I realize I need to get out of my comfort zone, which consists mostly of Chinese people my age and maybe even start talking to white people some day :O. I've never felt comfortable making what I thought a "fake conversation" with people, like asking people about themselves when I know I really don't care about the answer. Some times, I need to tell myself to pretend to care for the sake of the other person, but I can't help feeling like I'm lying to them and I'm hiding something from them. You know, those conversation starters like "How's the weather?", "How've you been?", "I like your [insert article of clothing]" sort of things. I especially can't see myself doing the last one. I've been trying to attempt conversations like "What've you been doing over summer?" but usually people answer with just "nothing" and the conversation goes nowhere and once again, I am at loss for words. I'm always amazed at how my mom can be one person at work and a completely different person at home. It annoys me, sure, to hide yourself from others, but now I think some times this is necessary to survive in this community. Being too honest is a bad thing now, but I still have this thing called guilt that keeps reminding me to be honest and it's hard to just ignore it. Maybe I'm just too lazy to do anything to change myself. I need to change that too. I've been answering too many "Why" questions with "Cuz I'm lazy" and I realize that's just an excuse to not do something. I've been forcing myself to not be lazy and actually maybe cleaning the house, doing the laundry, even when my parents don't tell me to do those things. It's hard to break out of those lazy habits of just sitting in bed with my laptop on my knees and watching dramas, chatting online, playing games all day, and never leaving my room [which I did during most of the Sundays at Rochester]. I was even too lazy to get out to buy some food... I had a bag of chips and a bowl of ramen the entire day Sunday. I've been trying to get out more and playing tennis every day [Sorry about bothering people about tennis like every day, but I really do need to get outside more and run around/enjoy nature more, plus tennis is awesome <3].
Next thing I should change is my study habit. I will attempt to try in school and see how that works out. Studying a lot for me in school is like sitting down for one hour and focusing for one hour. I don't understand how people [-cough- Linda -cough-] can lock themselves every night and study for like 6hours straight, sleep at 4/5am and wake up at 10am... I am amazed at people who are able to do that every single day... If I put in even a quarter of the effort they do, I'll feel proud. Right now, I'm putting in like an hour a week... while they're putting in around 40hours a week... next semester's schedule will be busier and hopefully I'll be able to manage my time well, along with cooking, cleaning and grocery shopping. Hopefully I'll spend less time watching dramas, playing games, chatting online, and spend those hours studying, playing sports [hopefully I'll have enough time for badminton and tennis next semester] and going outside more and hanging around with real people rather than just talking to them online.
Yeah so those are my reflections and what I think I should do in the future. I'm currently waiting for my manager to get his air condition fixed. He isn't sure how long it's going to take so I'm just waiting for him. He had to drive all the way back home and he says it's around a 30min drive without traffic and he left at like 11:30, so we'll see. AZ has been great. Working in chemistry made this summer go by really fast. I was just thinking, only four more weeks before my job here ends and only four more weeks before I hit two decades, five or six more weeks before I'm back at school and back at that other life in college with no restraints and freedom. But is it really freedom? With courses, work, and MCATs, I don't think it'll be too much different from now control wise, I just need to exercise some self control in order to carry out my future plans. That's it for now, I'll hopefully update this blog a bit more than I have been.
1 comment:
pingpong too!
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